Last week my back passage was brown, now it’s frozen.
No that’s not a euphemism. Frozen, as it happens, is a very pale mint green colour. I thought it would be a white tint but it is most definitely, unmistakably green.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
It was just unexpected.
But let me go back to the beginning.
My hero is once again on enforced holidays (what I have come to think of as recession leave) and as any of you who have met him might have guessed, he is not a man who is happy to veg out in front of the telly for any amount of time.
He was pacing around the house like a caged animal so I pointed out the sad state of the rear hallway, told him it needed a bit of freshening up (which it did but straight men don’t seem to be able to pick these things) and sent him to the shed in search of paint.
Over the years our shed has accumulated a wide range of partly used paint tins in assorted colours. I told him any colour would do so long as there was enough paint to cover the walls.
He returned with almost four litres of frozen. I have no idea how frozen ended up in our shed. It is not a colour that I can remember using nor can I picture myself choosing it. But it’s inoffensive and so onto the walls it went.
It took only two coats and the brown was gone and in its place is frozen-fresh and bright.
But as the paint dried it became apparent that he had missed a spot. It was a very small spot, only around half a centimetre big, at around hip height. Looks a bit like a smudge where somebody has accidentally touched the still wet paint. Not a problem, he dabbed over it and the spot was covered.
But then as the paint dried the spot reappeared. That’s okay though, another tiny touch up and the spot was covered. But then as the paint dried…
Seven coats later we can still see the strange dark mark.
It has become our house’s version of the indelible blood stain at the foot of the stairs.
My hero refuses to accept defeat. He wants to sand it back completely, gouge out the plaster, refill the hole then paint over the patch.
Maybe that would work. But I’m afraid to let him try. What if it doesn’t?
For now we must suffer the presence of the dark smudge.