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It's My Birthday

Just thought you ought to know

When in Rome

….bring me back the tackiest papal souvenir you can find. But be warned competition for most tasteless memento on my shelf of tat is fierce. The contenders are:
• The dual A-side medallion featuring both Popes in glorious living colour. Reminiscent of the photographs one sometimes sees embedded in grave markers in modern lawn cemeteries this piece is positively tasteful compared to-
• The clear acrylic paperweight featuring not one, not two, but three church fathers etched within; rotating stand with multi-coloured up lighting optional. Nothing says piety like a ‘batteries not included’ sticker on the box. This, however, is stylish and sophisticated when compared to-
• The Pope Snow Globe. Formerly a front runner in the can-it-get-any-tackier-than-that stakes I feel its innate crassitude has been out shone by-
• The Plaster Pieta. This plaster replica of Michelangelo’s Pieta fulfils the Artist’s Ultimate Vision. I am certain that if temperature sensitive paint had been available in1499 he would have splashed it indiscriminately all over his bland marble sculpture. The addition of glitter to this timeless piece is nothing short of genius. I am so glad the manufacturers spared no expense in production.

A big thank-you to Alex for her ongoing contributions to this phenomenal collection. No really, thanks, thanks a lot.

Only 12 more shopping days until my Birthday

Thought you'd like to know.

Seeking Sympathy

I have cut my thumb.
It hurts-a lot.
It is bleeding-a lot.
Nobody here cares about my pain and suffering.
Does anybody, anywhere?
Show you care-leave a comment.

Costume Drama

There are many things about motherhood nobody tells you.
The acute observer may notice these things but usually they go unseen and unspoken of, particularly by the childfree portion of the population. There’s a conspiracy of silence surrounding the more unsavoury duties of motherhood. And it is mothers who invariably end up with this particularly onerous task.
Yes, I’m talking about making costumes.
So far this year I’ve had to come up with:
A sixties mod-it’s amazing what can be achieved with a mini dress, false eyelashes and a bit of teasing and hairspray
A medieval maiden-where velvet and chiffon came into their own and a passion for gothic dresses was established
A peasant-earth tones only, mob cap, mercifully, provided
And now I need to fit an Arabian Nights theme.
I headed off to the op-shop with the Professor of Pendantics and high hopes of some harem pants left over from the early nineties or at the very least a decorative crop top. Two hours later, having trawled through every place likely to harbour costumes or clothes from which costumes could be constructed we were back home empty handed.
It was in desperation that I dragged out a bag from the back of the wardrobe with thoughts of piecing something together from some old sarongs.
And there it was-a sheer black skirt with some vaguely Arabic gold print. I remember wearing it back in the day with a black crop top. More digging and sure enough I found it. With a bit of adjusting it could do.
The Professor tried the ensemble on-and it fit!
No adjusting necessary. Hoorah!
(I’m not sure what shocked me more. The fact that my baby can fit into clothes I wore in my late teens or the fact that I was once that thin. Look see there’s the evidence-she’s wearing it.)
So tomorrow I have to develop RSI sewing tiny gold elephants and bells onto the crop top. Then I can breathe a sigh of relief until the next costume notice comes home from school.

Quiche: A guide by Boy Genius

To make:
Cut up steamed cauliflower and broccoli into small florets. Remove ALL traces of stalk. This is Very Important.
Fry finely chopped capsicum, onion and bacon until soft.
Grate cheese.
Crack five eggs into a big bowl. Remove shell.
Mix everything up together, pour into pastry case, bake in oven.
To eat:
Use brown fork (this goes without saying really. Brown fork has mystical properties that only Boy Genius is aware of. Nobody else may ever use brown fork for fear of erasing these properties. Boy Genius can not eat at home unless he uses brown fork.).
Separate ingredients from quiche using an esoteric system, possibly based on colour or perhaps texture. Eat one ingredient at a time. No ingredient may be eaten until the previous ingredient has been consumed. An electron microscope is helpful at this point to ensure no atom of previous ingredient remains rendering quiche unfinishable.
Sure it’s time consuming but the effort is worth it.
Quiche is good.

Pop Culture

I’m getting old.
The evidence is irrefutable.
No, I haven’t found any grey hairs and my laugh lines haven’t reached the point where I need spakfiller and a trowel to smooth out my skin.
It’s worse than that.
Much worse.
I’ve started to pop.
I pop things away. I pop things in. I pop things on. On occasion I even pop things under other things. I wish I could say that was the extent of it, but alas no. I’ve started to pop down to the shops, pop over to visit friends; I’ve even popped out for a minute.
Nobody under forty pops anything or anywhere.
What next?
A blue rinse and an excess of cardigans.
Hmm. It is a cool-ish morning. I might just go pop on a cardigan.

A Vistit to the Dentist

On prominent display in my dentist’s waiting room is a certificate advising that he is a qualified and recognised hypnotist. I spent a brief moment speculating as to what role hypnosis could play in modern dentistry.
Could a person strengthen their teeth through the process of hypnotic suggestion? Probably not.
I was forced to assume hypnosis is offered as an alternative form of pain relief. I can’t be sure since he’s never been silly enough to suggest I try it. When it comes to pain I’m definitely an old fashioned give-me-the-drugs kind of girl.
I scanned on skimming over the expected infection control certificates and various assorted degrees until a small certificate up in the corner caught my eye.
It appears that all members of the practice are proficient in cardio-pulmonary resuscitation.
I’m not sure whether I should be finding that reassuring or not.
I know some people find the dentist to be a bit scary but does the sound of a drill frequently lead to heart attacks?
I pondered this while I sat in drug induced numbness having my jaw pulled about but came up with no definitive answer until it was all over and the receptionist printed out the bill.
Now I understand when and why the heart attacks occur.
On the plus side I have great teeth (or maybe I just think so as a result of post hypnotic suggestion).

Nice Weather for Ducks

It’s raining here this morning-a rare occurrence these days. So rare in fact that I quite enjoyed the novelty of using an umbrella when I went out earlier. Just imagine how happy the ducks must be.
I’ve never really understood why it is assumed that ducks like wet weather. Sure they seem to like paddling about on the water but does it necessarily follow that they love the rain. At least, I’d never seen any supportive evidence. Until today.
I just saw two ducks out in the park, splashing about in the small muddy puddles and pecking at things in the long, wet grass. They really did seem to be having fun doing their ducky thing in the rain. I wonder if they’ll keep at it should the predicted hail eventuate this afternoon. Even ducks must have their limits.